


Stop and Wait a Sec

by Celebrate_the_irony



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Tired of everyone's shit Peter, Very Uncomfortable and overprotective Wade, idk id be offended if someone said it to me, in fact theyre kinda married, slight homophobia, would you believe me if i said it's kinda fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 23:30:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7012549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celebrate_the_irony/pseuds/Celebrate_the_irony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade was at Peter’s Very Important Work Function That Wade Cannot Fuck Around At, Please for the Love of God, as Peter liked to call it.</p>
<p>[PVIWFTWCFAAPFTLOG for short]  </p>
<p>Or a stuffy old fic about Peter's stuffy old boss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stop and Wait a Sec

**Author's Note:**

> Don't mind me I'm just clearing out my oneshots from my WIP folder. I should probably stop writing these.

“Just married are you? Oh it’s all downhill from here.” A blonde woman that Wade had never seen before in his life said solemnly. A few other people around her nodded in agreement. Peter’s arm slipped behind Wade’s waist in a way that said “She is a Very Important Person please tolerate her shit”. Wade was at Peter’s Very Important Work Function That Wade Cannot Fuck Around At, Please for the Love of God, as Peter liked to call it.

_[PVIWFTWCFAAPFTLOG for short]_

Peter had told Wade that only Wade was invited to this event and Deadpool had to be left at home. Wade didn’t really get what that meant but he did know that his suit was mysteriously missing on the night of, as were all his weapons. He had to dress up in a proper suit that he didn’t know he owned. At least Peter had the decency to get him a red tie. Still he looked like a fucking poster boy for the Make a Wish foundation, he couldn’t believe Peter wouldn’t let him wear his mask.

Wade had to be dragged by the ear out of the cab and into the Hilton. He had honestly never felt more uncomfortable in his life, surrounded by all these rich successful people. Wade currently had $13 in his bank account.

**{That’s like two quesadillas, get your shit together}**

Peter had been talking Wade up all night, the man deserved a Pulitzer for the fiction he was telling.

“Yes this is my husband Wade Wilson, he has a top priority position a government agency.”

_[Lie #1 the only agency he had worked for lately was an escort agency run by the mafia, not as a prostitute but one of the girls was being sent death threats, you know how it goes]_

“Oh no, he was in a terrible accident years ago, no those aren’t tumours it’s extreme scarring.”

_[Lie #2 and a rather bold one told to the head of the CRI]_

“Deadpole? Never heard of him.”

**{Lie #4 and Deadpole? Who would call themselves fucking Deadpole? That just sounds like a strip club for very specific fetishes}**

“What do I think of genetic mutation in non-mutated subjects? Um oh is that the time?! We haven’t eaten all day excuse me.”

_[Lie #5, as he turned he saw Wade returning from the kitchen with his own tray of entrees that was larger than he was]_

So now that was how they ended up in the middle of a group with the CEO and Board members of Peter’s company, the company that Wade had been told a thousand times what it was called but could still not remember what it was called. They had gotten on the topic of Peter and Wade’s marriage and Wade was this close to stabbing a fork in his own hand just for a topic change.

“Yes the first year is the hardest.” A balding man said in agreement.

“We have been living together for quite some time before we married so far nothing seems overly different.” Peter said in their defence, nobody heard him though.

“Mmm I remember my first marriage, barely made it through the year before she’d let herself go.” Wade took this as his cue to make a beeline for the bar. Dear lord this was too much. Peter grabbed his arm as if to say you are not leaving me alone with these people.

“So who wears the pants?” The blonde woman said.

“I like to think both of us wear pants.” Peter said dryly, artfully dodging the question.

“Yes but…who’s the boss of the house?” The blonde woman asked as though Peter should absolutely understand her homophobic statement. That threw Peter, he had no idea what she was talking about, however Wade on the other hand knew all too well what bullshit she was sprouting.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Peter said confused.

_[Bless his heart]_

“Who takes the feminine role?” The blonde woman said rather crassly. At this point Wade stepped in.

“Darling, what this homophobic asshole wants to know is do I shove my dick into you or do I let you ram it up Main Street? The actual answer is that sex is a very fluid and spur of the moment thing and it depends on many variables how we do it. But that’s not what this woman would like to hear as she’s projecting her own experiences onto us and, considering her most wild experience is her husband once fucking her while sober, I don’t think it’s justifiable. And if I was talking to her instead of you my love, I’d probably tell her to take her offensive ‘progressive’ attitudes and stick them up her musty old claptrap, it might give her the sexual release she’s been looking for.” Wade said loudly to Peter before finally walking over to the bar. He felt the entire function room stare at him, well shit. He also saw Peter turn a very bright shade of red before following Wade to the bar.

**{We can’t die, we can’t die, we can’t die}**

“Dear, I’d like to speak to you in private.” Peter said through gritted teeth, ruh roh.

“Lead the way, my darling rosebud.” Wade said dramatically, hoping to blatantly ignore the shit he was about to be in, it didn’t work. Peter grabbed his arms and dragged, and Wade means dragged, him out into the alley.

“What the fuck, Wade?” Peter finally yelled. “That was my boss, you can’t just say shit like that!”

**{Oh _hell_ no}**

“You’re defending her?” Wade snapped at him.

“She’s my boss.” Peter replied just as angrily.

“Oh I’m sorry were you not offended by the shit that came out of their mouths? Am I living in some kind of fantasy world where trying to figure out who’s the woman in a relationship with two men is offensive? Do you think that it’s ok for her to tell us that our marriage is going downhill from here?” Wade couldn’t believe this.

“Of course I’m fucking offended! But she’s my boss, Wade!” Peter said as though this should excuse her, which it absolutely didn’t.

“So? If Fury had said that shit-“

“Will you keep it down?” Peter hissed at him.

“You wouldn’t have taken it!” Wade continued his point as loudly as he started it.

“No because he wouldn’t have said it in the first place.” Peter said dismissing his entire argument.

“So what? You’re just going to tolerate it?”

“My entire livelihood depends on me tolerating her shitty comments.” Peter tried explaining. This was the wrong to say if he wanted Wade to calm down.

“Comments? You mean this isn’t the first time she’s said something like this? Fuck, Peter! That’s not ok.” Wade was this close to storming back in there and taking this woman to the curb.

“Jesus fucking Christ, calm down Harvey Milk, it’s fine.” Peter subtly shuffled over and stood in front of the doorway in case Wade decided to do something rash.

_[He knows us too well]_

“No it’s not, it’s fucking discrimination. Does she do anything else?”

“She tells me off for ‘accessorizing’ my lab coat.” Peter said accessorizing in such a camp voice that Wade had to stifle a giggle.

“Do you?” Wade asked, he didn’t believe that Peter had the ability to accessorise anything, the man had the fashion sense of a frightened lemur.

“I keep a pen in the front pocket sometimes.” Peter shrugged.

“Fuck her, man. Is that it?”

“She doesn’t put any other men in my lab, I think it’s because she reckons I can’t resist the urge. She also calls our lab ‘The Girl’s Club’.” Peter started to list off. Wade couldn’t believe that he didn’t know about this,

“I’m going back in there and killing her. It’s the only way.” Wade tried to push Peter out the way, he always forgets how strong his husband is. He basically held him off with his pinkie finger.

**{Not going to lie, it’s a little bit hot.}**

“Wade! Not helpful!” Peter scolded him.

_[Stole my line]_

“I work with cold blooded killers and they’re more accepting than that woman, I can’t believe how cavalier you’re being about this.”

“I’m used to it, it’s fine.” Peter shrugged.

“No it’s not. I’m going to kick her fucking ass.”

“There’s nothing you can do Wade, I talked to HR and they said as the CEO of the company she’s untouchable, they did tell me if anyone was following her lead to tell them and they’d kick them to the curb.” Peter said as though that was something. It really wasn’t.

“Untouchable my fucking ass.” Wade rolled up the sleeves of his jacket and tried to go back in there again.

“Please don’t kill my boss.” Peter said deadpan, as though he was saying it more out of obligation than any concern for his boss.

“I’m not, I’m just going to give her a piece of my mind.” Wade said thin lipped.

“That’s rather dangerous, you don’t have a lot of pieces to give.” Peter snapped, the sarcasm was biting, Wade flinched from the intensity of it.

“I’m trying to defend you here.” Wade didn’t understand why he was being attacked here.

“I know, it’s sweet truly. But if we could not get me fired from one of the best laboratories in the country that would be great.” Peter said bitterly.

“Then quit, you can do better than them, fuck them.” Wade suggested, well it was more angrily telling, but if Peter asked it was a suggestion.

“Ok, Wade, I’m going to be a sensible adult and not do that. What I am going to do is go in there and be calm and apologize. Are you going to do the same?” Peter said as though he was talking to a child.

“I resent that, but sure fine whatever.” Wade crossed his arms and pouted.

_[We’re only proving his point]_

**{Fuck you}**

Peter took one of Wade’s arms and pried it away before running his hand down to Wade’s. He gave him a quick peck on the lips.

“That’s my boy.” Peter grinned at him.

“Man, thank you very much.” Wade said petulantly, but there wasn’t much malice to it.

Peter dragged him back into the fancy ass ballroom, their return turned more than a few heads and earned themselves some judgemental whispering. Peter squeezed Wade’s hand in a way when they first started dating Wade thought was supposed to be comforting. Now he knows it’s Peter’s way of telling him to not fuck up please and thank you. They made their way back to the blond bitch and Wade was bracing himself to quickly sprint back to the bar when Peter wasn’t looking. When they reached her, Peter was about to make his best apology speech when she saw them.

“Oh, Peter, Wade! Good to see you two back! I hope the toilets were up to your standards.” Blondie said with a knowing smirk. Well that was it, count Wade out. He had nothing more to say to this woman. He glanced over at Peter who already looked flummoxed by her.

“Why would we have been in the toilets?” Peter frowned in confusion.

“No need to hide it, you had a definite George Michael look about you as you two left.” She laughed.

_[Well that’s wildly inappropriate]_

**{What’s inappropriate when it’s just between us girls?}**

_[Fuck off]_

“You don’t think we might have left because you offended my husband?” Peter asked, clearly confused that this was not the conclusion she drew.

“Oh that, honey we were just keeping it real, throwing shade, is that what you people call it? Your husband is so sassy.” She said as though it was a compliment as she touched Peter’s arm in such a creepy over familiar fashion. Peter quickly pulled his arm away.

“Wow.” Wade couldn’t help but say. Even he didn’t know what to say to that.

**{It’s times like this we wish we could drink}**

“So you think that you wittily commented on my sex life, my husband cracked a few jokes at your expense and then we went and fucked in the bathrooms.” Peter said slowly going a darker and darker shade of red by the second. Wade pulled his hand out of Peter’s grasp, he had a feeling if he left it there he might not get it back. “And not what actually happened which was you making some grossly inappropriate and homophobic comments. Which my husband, quite rightly, got angry with you and told you to stick it up your ass, so I took him away and told him off for having a go at my boss. Which is giving you more respect than you deserve because you don’t even know what you did wrong, do you? So fuck it, fuck you, I quit, I don’t want to be your pet gay anymore. Stop it with the fucking girls club and gossiping about ‘cute boys’ with me, it’s demeaning and fucking discrimination, I’m over it. And you know what, Vanessa, Rick’s cheating on you with Melissa from accounting. Everyone fucking knows it, especially after she had to take a nine month vacation. How’s that for fucking sassy?”  

Peter triumphantly took Wade’s hand and marched out of the function room and onto the street.

“I have literally never been more attracted to you than I am now.” Wade admitted as he walked over to face Peter. “Maybe on our wedding night but like this is a whole new level of attraction.”

“I just told my boss to fuck off.” Peter said shell shocked.

“You told your ex-boss to fuck off.” Wade corrected as he moved in closer to Peter, linked their hands together and started to kiss his neck. Peter let him he was too wrapped up in his own concern to act on it.

“I just quit my job, all my work here, all that networking and research. Completely wasted. I don’t have a job, I can’t pay our rent. We’re literally going to die on the streets, what the fuck was I thinking? I need to go back in there and apologize, I’ve fucking ruined our lives.” Peter started to panic, Wade quickly stopped what he was doing and looked Peter in the eyes.

“Baby boy, it’s ok. We’re not going to die, well I’m not. It’ll be ok, it’s more important that you’re working in an environment you’re comfortable with than one that makes you feel unwelcome, yeah?” Wade said reassuringly. Peter shrugged not entirely sure of what Wade was saying.

“No, what’s important is that everything isn’t going to go to hell because I couldn’t handle Vanessa. I didn’t keep my cool and now we’re going to be homeless.” Peter said being dramatic as always.

“Peter, you know I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but I do leave the house during the day, I do various things, sometimes I even get paid for them. Some might call this a job, and I might sometimes pay the rent with said money because, who knows, I live there too. I might be a functioning adult who can support another adult while he finds himself another job, this is all speculation of course. I wouldn’t go off it without doing some fact checking or anything.” Wade shrugged. Peter thought this over for a moment before smirking.

“So you want me to be your housewife?”

_[Oh dear god no]_

“Fuck off, didn’t you just have a go at your former boss about this?” Wade asked.

“Yeah but I’m allowed to do one stereotypical thing, don’t you want to see me in red lipstick and an apron cooking you dinner every night?” Peter

**{Actually not such a bad idea}**

“What else are you wearing?” Wade grinned.

“Mr. Wilson! What kind of woman do you take me for?” Peter said mock scandalised.

“Mrs. Wilson,” Wade instantly replied. “I think we should head home now before things get messy.”

“Trust me I’ll be able to clean it up.” Peter said licking his lips.

_[Someone up there likes us very much]_

“Is it weird that this isn’t the kinkiest thing we’ve done?” Wade suddenly asked, Peter shrugged at him.

“Well it could be if you wanted it to.”

“Ok we really need to leave now.” Wade grabbed Peter by the arm and pulled him towards a cab. They spent most of the ride enveloped in each other, again not the weirdest thing Wade has done in a cab. In fact, if Wade really thought about it not of this was that bizarre as far as they lives went, in fact Wade could almost call it a typical Thursday for them.  


End file.
